Friday, 30 April 2010

Shame Attack!

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When I did a cognitive-behavioural therapy workshop last year, one of the things we had to do was a "shame-attack" task. Basically it involved doing something you think is embarrassing and evaluate how it goes. I had gone to a nice restaurant and had dinner by myself on a Friday night. The aim of the exercise is almost to show that either people don't care about you to pay attention, and even if they do, you survive something you think is embarrassing (because in our heads, something embarrassing equals something so catastrophic).

Anyway, the reason I am telling you this...

I had an impromptu shame-attack exercise an hour ago.

I was returning home from work and stopped at the local bottle-shop to buy a couple of bottles of red wine. Anyway, found my two bottles of McGuigan's Merlot and took it up to the counter.

Paid for it.

The girl put it in the paper bag.

I picked up the paper bag.

And RRRIPPPP....CRASH!!!!

Yep.

Some paper from top of the paper bag was all that was left in my hand. Everything else on the floor. Red wine leaking flowing out of two broken glass bottles.

And all eyes on me.

You know that feeling where you wish you could rewind the last few seconds? I had it then.

But the two girls at the counter were really nice about it. They said it happens all the time. I just kept apologising over and over and over...

They said I could go back and get two more bottles and didn't have to pay for it. (Which surprised me...considering I did break the bottles!)

I guess it could have been worse. It could have been a bottle-o that was as crowded as a supermarket.

In the end, as embarrassing as it was, I survived it.

Now just to see if I can face them again!

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Deny...and it will cease to exist

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A recent post by IHM had a comment about some parents being in denial about their child’s problems and this made me think about my own work. Being a child and adolescent psychologist involves a lot of work with parents (Unfortunately! I don’t hate parents, but it would be much easier if I could work with just the child and/or teen!) And I have seen all kinds:
  • The ones that are involved and want what’s best for their child,
  • The ones that are over-involved and pushy,
  • The ones that are blissfully ignorant and think that their child is an angel and it’s everyone else’s fault their kid gets into trouble,
  • And of course, the ones that accept there is a problem but won’t do anything to help fix it because that is the school’s job or the psychologist-with-a-magic-wand’s job.
I get really annoyed with the last three.

And sadly, more often than not, they are the ones I get to see.

I just don’t understand it. If a person chooses to have kids (and trust me, it’s a choice even if it was an “accident”), they need to take responsibility for bringing up these kids. And in that case, I fail to understand where the last two types of parents come from. The ones who think it’s everyone else’s responsibility but their own. The ones that are in complete denial.

If I had a dollar for every time a parent told me “But it's not little Johnny's fault...it’s other children...or it's the teachers picking on him...”, I’d be rich. Or for the ones that go "I have [insert number] children to look after, I can't spend extra time with this one just because he has learning difficulties" Yes, I'd be a millionaire. [When parents that give me this last statement, I often find myself thinking "That's no excuse...you chose to have these many kids!"]

I understand that every parent loves their child to bits and will not want to hear something negative about them. But sometimes, when your child is behaving like a brat and is bullying other kids or is spreading false rumours or is being physically aggressive towards others without being provoked, well, there is a problem! And when a teacher says there is a problem, they are able to see your kid in comparison to others his/her age. More often than not, when teachers suspect something (especially the more experienced ones), they tend to be right. But then, it's up to the parents to do something about it. I've known of parents who blamed the school for a child's oppositional behaviour. Okay, one school could have been wrong. But 3? Seriously. Same behaviour occurring at three different schools. One common factor: The child! If your child is struggling in all academic areas, it probably suggests that there is either a learning disorder or low intellectual ability. Being in denial about it doesn't necessarily change his abilities. In fact, being in denial and putting more pressure on the kid is probably going to make things a whole lot worse.

The parents that accept there is a problem but then expect the school or me to fix it without contributing anything are also deluding themselves. After all, I would see a child for one hour a week as against the zillion hours the parents see the kid. And why is the problem solely the child? God forbid it's something about the parenting that needs to change! I constantly tell parents I do not have a magic wand. Some laugh. Some smile. Some look at me uncertainly. But I'm being serious. I do not have a magic wand. And if they need to see some form of change, they need to put in the effort as well. And that might involve changing parenting tactics. Not giving in to the child's every whim and fancy. Ignoring minor whinging or complaining.

You know how most parents-to-be attend birthing classes? Well, I think it should be made mandatory for parents to attend parenting classes as well when they are expecting a child. The Triple P could be one such course rolled out to new parents. And then classes on normal child development. And then, in case the child is later diagnosed (e.g. ADHD, ASD, Depression, Anxiety) they can seek the relevant help.

But I bet I will hear human rights people having a go at me for "taking away people's freedom" or dictating too much or being a nanny-state.

Honestly though, what else can we do but educate? And what better way than when someone is expecting a child?

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Needs and Wants

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We live in an entitled world.

A world where we are told we need holidays, we need a new car, we need the latest mobile phone, we need to know what our friends are doing every minute of every day, we need the new 3-D televisions or we need the newest iwhatever.

Since when did these become things we needed? If I remember correctly, in order to survive, all we really need are food, water and shelter. But now, because we think we need more than this...and we keep needing more and more...resulting in being more unhappy than ever. Seriously, are we ever happy with the things we have? After all, there's a new TV or a new mobile phone or a new laptop every minute!!!

If only we realised that we don't need any of the above to survive but rather just want them because we are entitled, I wonder how many mental health problems we could avoid.

Just wondering...

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Saturday, 24 April 2010

The Real Me...?

37 penned views
Happy and cheerful
All the time
Confident and poised
With looks to die
Calm and collected
Full of grace
Sure and confident
No hair out of place
Assertive and decisive
On every occasion
Demure and pretty
The perfect vision

This is the person
I let the world believe
It is but a mask
And not the real me
Inside I am broken
Nervous and scared
Worried of being judged
As someone impaired
The voice of self-doubt
Is hard to go through
My life is a mess
If only they knew...

Written for One Single Impression prompt 112: Mask

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Monday, 19 April 2010

To Channel Nine,

16 penned views
Dear Channel Nine,

Just when I thought you couldn't get any lower, you proved me wrong. When did criminal underworld figures become so important that their death warrants a whole hour's special on your channel? What have they done that is so worthy that you think it is essential for the world to know? Or is this person suddenly a martyr because he was killed? [Mind you, he was killed in jail where he was serving time for being a mass murderer himself] What next? A first hand look into his funeral? And speeches about how great a man he was? For fuck's sake, a mass murderer is dead. End of story. People do not need to know anything else. Like a 'special' about his life. All we need is the news. Get your act together.

Disgusted,

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Through those little eyes

24 penned views
I wonder
Who that woman is
The one who is mostly by my side
The one who picks me up
The minute that I cry

I wonder
Who that man is
The one with a cheeky smile
The one who helps the woman out
By staying with me at night

I wonder
Who that little girl is
The one that comes and goes
The one that talks to me non-stop
And sometimes tickles my toes

I wonder
Who that large boy is
The one with the messy clothes
The one whose words make no sense
To me and all in the home

I wonder
Who the other people are
The ones who visit me on different days
They speak gibberish to me
They really drive me insane

I wonder
When I will be able to talk
And walk away from this
To explore the world around
Away from my little crib

I wonder
What lies ahead for me
In this world so very strange
What these people mean to me
And what early memories will remain

Written for Sunday Scribblings Prompt 'Wonder'

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Sacrifice

16 penned views
There are some things one has to sacrifice in order to have something else. Like a pleasureable holiday in the snow in order to continue to save money for bills and for an ultimate goal. But some people assume you are boring. Or that you are not making the most of this time of your life (your twenties). Or that you are possibly being antisocial.

But what do they know now? It's hard to imagine what it is like when you don't have all the responsibilities or bills but get the same amount of pay (or more) as I do. It is a lot easier then to spend it on holidays and travelling.

I am happy though. Happy to sacrifice something pleasureable in the present moment for something a lot more pleasureable later. Something that will hopefully not be a one-off pleasureable thing. And if I want a holiday, I'm happy to go away for a cheap weekend somewhere. Or even curl up at home with a book.

And one doesn't always need to have something right away. Waiting for something and then getting it can make it a whole lot more pleasureable.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Monday, 12 April 2010

Scrabble Shocker

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Before I begin, I will warn you: RANT ALERT!!!!

I love Scrabble. Not sure how many of you out there love the game. But if you do, I wonder if you are as enraged as I am about this news where the distributors are planning to change the rules. Apparently they are going to allow the use of proper nouns as well as allow words to be spelt backwards, upwards and not connected to other pieces!!!! What the fuck?!

What is wrong with them??? It defeats the whole purpose of the game which is to try and and use strategies to win, to block others from making words and making it harder to use letters such as X, J, Q and Z. But now of course, people could make Xiaozhang if they wished! They could place a word starting from any triple word score despite not having any other tiles to connect to.

I am not happy! For the serious and competitive players like myself, this is nothing short of a joke. I mean, if there are people who are not serious about the game, they probably would be making their own rules like this but why spoil it for everyone??

What next? Allowing people to use text message language or twitter language?

I guess the day isn't far away when they will decide to allow us all to make words such as 'ppl' or 'qry' or 'qstn' or 'woteva'.

And I bet the founder of the game is rolling in his grave this very moment.

Use your brains people...they were given for a reason! Not everything in life has to be easy. 

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Sunday, 11 April 2010

If I Were...

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I read this one on BluntEdge's and Harini's blogs and decided to do it myself since I am unable to think about any particular topics to write about [Have really got to pay more attention to current affairs!!]

If I were a month, I’d be January...a new beginning

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday...the weekend, with yet another day to go

If I were a time of day, I’d be Midnight...the bewitching hour
If I were a season, I’d be Spring. Not too cold. Not too hot. 'Nuff said. 

If I were a season...
If I were a planet, I’d be Saturn. Why? I don't really know...just sounds good.

If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Dolphin. Intelligent little creatures they are. [A bit of trivia for you: they are the only other mammals apart from human beings to have sex for pleasure]
If I were a sea animal...
If I were a direction, I’d be Goal-directed

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a Bed. A king-sized bed.

If I were a liquid, I’d be Beer. Tap Beer
If I were a liquid...

If I were a tree, I’d be an Oak tree

If I were a tool, I’d be the Drill

If I were a flower, I’d be the Jacaranda

If I were a flower...
If I were an element, I’d be Water

If I were a gemstone, I’d be a Garnet

If I were a kind of weather, I’d be Hot

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be the Guitar. Acoustic guitar.

If I were a color, I’d be Blood Red

If I were an emotion, I’d be Anxiety. If you read my blog, you will know why. 

If I were a fruit, I’d be a Peach

If I were a sound, I’d be Laughter

If I were a car, I’d be a Toyota Yaris. I'm in love with the car. 

If I were a car...
If I were a material, I’d be Satin.

If I were a food, I’d be Yummy!!!

If I were a taste, I’d be Spicy

If I were a taste...

If I were a scent, I’d be Musky

If I were an object, I’d be a Book. The original source of all knowledge.

If I were a song, I’d be "Moment in the Sun" by The Living End. It depicts what I was going through years ago. The story of my life.

If I were a body part, I’d be the Brain

If I were a place, I’d be Sydney

If I were a facial expression, I’d be a Smile. Showing teeth. =D

If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be a pair of Thongs or Comfy sneakers. 


If I were a pair of shoes...

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Friday, 9 April 2010

The Violence Today...

14 penned views
Violence --- can it be learnt?

And that's how we solve things!


This is a topic that is taught in psychology right from the introductory stage. Early research by Albert Bandura on aggression in children showed that young children who viewed a video where their role model was behaving in a violent manner were more likely to imitate the same kind of play with Bobo Dolls as compared to those who viewed a video that was not violent. Basically, Bandura’s theory was that violence can be learnt at a very young age by viewing role models.

Research has shown that exposure to violent media (TV, movies, music videos, video games) increased the likelihood of aggressive and violent behaviours in the short and long term. The only problem is that most research in this area is correlational and hence the media have something to back their rights to continue depicting what they do (Note: Correlational studies only show that there is a relation between exposure to violent media and violent behaviour; it does not say exposure to violent media causes violent behaviour which therefore means there could be other factors resulting in aggressive behaviour). What seems to be missing is why only some individuals exposed to this react this way while others do not. Hence, there are still questions around biological factors (can one be more predisposed to an aggressive temperament?) and family factors (Is the child brought up in a house where aggressive behaviour is the norm?)

The reason I am talking about this. Well, there has been an increase in the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers. Most recently, a Scottish tourist was seriously injured by a group of 4 teenagers, two of whom were aged 13 while the other two were 17. One of the 13 year olds initiated the attack. Apparently, earlier in the night, this same group of kids robbed another individual. A fortnight ago, two other teenagers assaulted a wheelchair bound man out west. In certain areas around Sydney, teenagers carry knives with them and have gangs and get into nasty fights (and I’ve worked in those areas) A crime that till date makes me numb is the infamous James Bulger case in England. And of course, in the US, you have school shootings by teenagers. More recently, there was a case where an 11 year old boy allegedly shot his pregnant stepmother.

All these cases and so many more make me wonder --- why do some teenagers and kids take this path? Is it the gory video games that are so realistic these days that they think they can do the same in the real world with no consequences? Or is it the way they are brought up seeing their parents using violence to solve problems? While most teenagers will be defiant and stubborn, what makes some of them meet criteria for a conduct disorder? And I guess most importantly, I wonder --- what can be done to stop all of this?

Most of us play the blame game and point fingers at the parents. But not all these kids or teens come from abusive backgrounds. I personally know of families where parents are trying their hardest but the child still runs away from home ever so often to hang out with their gangs or smoke pot with their “cool friends”. There are calls for parents of these children to be given warnings and then hauled to court and jailed. But I doubt that will be an effective solution when after all, teenagers are egocentric. As a generalisation, the world revolves around them and they are unlikely to learn anything from their parents being locked up. Rather, something like this gives them free reign of the household!

I personally think the problem is that kids and teens these days in countries such as the US, UK and Australia have a lot more power than their parents and teachers and possibly even the system --- and they know it. And they milk it for what it’s worth. Civil rights have been taken to the extreme where kids at schools threaten a teacher that walks near them. Teenagers know they can bully or hit others at school and the worst case scenario is an expulsion but then they get into another school. The best case scenario is a suspension because it means time off school. And more time to hang out with their mates who belong to other gangs. They do not fear any of these consequences unlike the days when children feared the cane or like in my case, getting your knuckles whacked with the side of a wooden ruler (It bloody hurt!!!) in front of the whole class. I am not saying that is the answer. That we revert back to primitive forms of disciplining. But there needs to be consequences. Consequences for the teenagers or children themselves. Consequences that will bring about some change. 

That’s why I think that in cases where juveniles engage in criminal activities --- they should be tried in court and jailed (not in adult jails, of course). Screw rehabilitation. Or mandatory counselling. (Mandated counselling does not work because the young people do not want to be there and the therapist does not have a magic wand). There may be a few that show genuine remorse for their actions and it is likely that these children or teens will benefit from counselling and other forms of support and rehabilitation. But the ones that are cold and callous like the 11 year old I mentioned or the 13 year old twins or the Bulger killers…I honestly think there is something about their brain that deters them from making any change. And maybe, just maybe if that’s the case, and if science is able to determine that in the future, individuals such as these should not be let out. I understand it is a harsh point of view but honestly, apart from early intervention in families and banning anything violent in the media and somehow giving a little more power back to parents and teachers, I don’t see what else can be done.

Sadly, despite all the crime and violence in real life, Hollywood still continues to glorify it. The new movie Kickass is just another sad example of where the world is headed.

It’s at times like these I wonder why I enjoy working with adolescents.

I must be totally screwed up myself.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Thursday, 8 April 2010

House Rules

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***This review has been cross-posted at Bond with Books. Visit Bond with Books for views and reviews by other bloggers***


House Rules

This is Jodi Picoult’s latest offering. House Rules is about Jacob and his family. Jacob is not your neurotypical kid. He has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS). Thus, while Jacob’s IQ is in the top one percent, it doesn’t necessarily show in his work, lives in a literal world and struggles socially. 18 year old Jacob lives with his mother Emma and his younger brother Theo. Their father walked out on them when Theo was just a baby because he could apparently not handle Jacob’s diagnosis. Like most children with AS, Jacob has fixed interests…at one time it was dogs, at another it was dinosaurs. At this stage in life, he is obsessed with forensics. Not just the crime shows but the intricacies such as fingerprints and tests and other clues. Jacob also has other quirks. He has his days colour-coded. For instance, he has ‘Blue Fridays’ where clothes he wears are blue, the food he eats has to be blue. If not, he will have a meltdown. To assist with his social skills, Jacob receives tutoring from a university student Jess.


The family are getting on with their life in their own way…Emma taking each day as it comes, Theo withdrawing and feeling resentment at some of the things he has to give up and taking refuge in stranger’s houses pretending he has a ‘normal’ family, and Jacob following his routines day in and day out. Things take a turn for the worse when Jess (Jacob’s tutor) is found dead. While the initial suspect is her extremely possessive and abusive boyfriend, Emma notices Jacob’s rainbow coloured handmade quilt wrapped around Jess’ body as the breaking story is aired on the news. What follows is nothing short of a nightmare for someone with AS. Jacob is taken to the police station where he is tricked into talking about Jess. In his literal world, he says he didn’t mean to do it. Resulting in him being charged with her murder.

How does a person with AS cope with the justice system?

Can a person with AS get a fair trial since to a layperson, this individual who does not show empathy the way most of us do could be mistaken to be a psychopath?

Is AS a disability? Or just a different ability?

Has Jacob really killed Jess? If so, was it in a fit of anger and impulsiveness? If not, who was it? And why did he tamper with the crime scene?

The book is a good read and keeps you hooked till the end. In true Picoult-style, each chapter is narrated by a different character. The characters are all well-drawn and likeable. The star is of course Jacob. Picoult has done her research well when it comes to AS and the theories about causal factors as well as the interventions and management at home and school. She manages to educate the lay person about AS and the difficulties as well as the bright side of it. 

However, this book is still not as good as some of her other works. The end was a bit anti-climactic for me; possibly because I have become accustomed to her twists in the tale which for some reason did not really happen. Also, while I am no expert in AS, I found some things a bit hard to believe about Jacob. For instance, him setting up the crime scene was a bit ludicrous to me given that he is an intelligent boy. Anyone with that level of intelligence as well as obsession with forensics and crime would know you do not tamper with a crime scene and expect to get away with it. AS or no AS. It was not like it was an impulsive act like some behaviours can be when it comes to AS and therefore I just could not get my head around why he would do that. 

I would definitely recommend a read…as I would for most of Picoult’s books. But don’t read it with expectations that it would be equivalent to My Sister’s Keeper or Nineteen Minutes or Picture Perfect.

Read it to enjoy the ride.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Monday, 5 April 2010

Long Weekend Gone...

22 penned views
The long weekend just flew by! 4 days of complete RnR.  And had the place to myself till yesterday!

There had been the plan to go bushwalking on Friday but getting stuck in holiday traffic diffused the enthusiasm and we ended up going back home and walking by the river instead. I don't know about other countries, but here, almost all stores are in shutdown mode on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. So both those days were spent being lazy --- reading, watching movies, eating and drinking. Saturday was spent at Borders and going out for dinner. And well, today was spent reading and coming to terms with the fact that the long weekend is done.

I just have to say this --- friend and I watched this movie 'Mary and Max' (which I have wanted to watch for a while --- and it is an amazing movie! Go grab the DVD. It's a beautifully told story of an unusual friendship with a lovely message.

So anyway, back to reality now. Back to work tomorrow. And back to having flatmate in the house.

How was your weekend?

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

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