Real Beauty

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

And yet, we are bombarded with what exactly is beautiful in not-so-subtle ways by magazines, television, movies, and other forms of the media. Brad Pitt. Angelina Jolie. George Clooney. Aishwarya Rai. Apparently, they are all epitomes of beauty. [Doesn't matter if you or I don't agree that Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie or Aishwarya Rai are not beautiful...the large majority has been taught that they are!]

While different countries and cultures have their own standards, one common rule of thumb to identify 'beauty' in a person is the need to be skinny. A size zero as well. And it's not just women but men too who have the body image pressures these days thanks to ads on building muscles or male models who are very skinny. In countries like India and some other Asian and African countries, real beauty is sold via fairness creams. Yes. If you are light-skinned, you are beautiful. It's easy to get down and depressed by the manner in which beauty is sold to us. Especially if we buy it and succumb to nose jobs, botox, liposuction, boob jobs and other forms of plastic surgery.

However, I do believe that real beauty is different.

To me, real beauty is...

...the laugh lines at the corners of a person's eyes and mouth. They signify a lifetime spent smiling a lot.

...the worry lines on your brow. It shows you have lived a full life with family, friends and work to have enough to worry you.

...the stretch marks on a woman's breasts and hips. They signify a time spent enjoying good food, putting on weight and losing weight.

...the scars left by a major operation. They show that you are living now and have overcome some kind of physical setback.

...the darkness of your skin. It shows you enjoy the outdoors.

...the roughness of a person's hands. They signify hard work.

...the blisters on a person's feet. It means you have walked many a mile to get to where you are.

...the glow on a person's face on seeing a loved one. It signifies that they are loved and have people they love around them.

...the genuine smile on a person's face. It shows they are content with their life.

...the tired smile in a single parent's eyes at the end of a working day when they see their kids. It shows they missed them and are working for them.

...the shining eyes of a person on hearing someone else's good news. It means they are kind-hearted and capable of empathising.

...the plain face of a person alight with happiness. They symbolise hope and help bring you out of your blues.

...the wrinkled and crinkled faces of an elderly couple. They symbolise a lifetime of togetherness. 

Imagine seeing all this in a person as compared to a stone faced and made up Aishwarya Rai or Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt?

You decide --- who is truly beautiful?     

This post has been written for the Real Beauty contest held by Indiblogger in conjunction with Yahoo and Dove

What does real beauty mean to you? Is your perception different from what most people imagine beauty to be?

If you like this post, please go on to the IndiBlogger page for this and also vote for the post by clicking the Facebook 'Like' button on that page. Be assured that I'm not going to spam you with emails requesting your votes. :) Please also share your views on real beauty in your comments on this post.








Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Scarred

The

shiny blade

its sharpened edge

against her skin

cool, like

death

As

she cuts

and slices through

feeling the blood

oozing out

renewed

A

sigh escapes

through her lips

pleasure and pain

together inside

blurred

The

jagged scars

across her arms

manifest the hurt

and pain

within

Her

dark secret

that none perceive

like popping pills

for curing

disease

The

reason behind

the numbing welts

a history untold

to better

forget

In

the end

all she knows

is cutting helps

the inner

wounds

The

scars outside

eventually a mask

covering the abuse

from her

past

This has been written for One Single Impression Prompt 170

Disclaimer: Please note that abuse does not cause deliberate self-harm; it is an unhelpful way in which some people cope with hurt and pain because they do not know any other way of reducing the psychological pain and hurt. Apparently, cutting helps focus on a physical pain and thereby distracts them from the pain within. This is what I've heard from clients who engage in deliberate self-harm and is not through my own experience in any way. I would also recommend you to not use this coping strategy.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Thank you BlogAdda for choosing this for a Spicy Saturday Pick

Difficult questions answered

Given the upcoming trip to India there are several things I am not looking forward to. Most notably, conversations with well-wishers and family friends. [And all you Indians out there thought I was going to be another NRI whinging about the pollution and the corruption and other such stuff!].

So I thought of what I could say in response to some of the questions I just know will be posed to me.

Family friend/Well-wisher: So, when are you planning on getting married?
Me [Putting on a very sad face]: Oh well, uncle/aunty, you see, marriage in Australia is not yet legalised for me and my partner. Same-sex couples are only allowed to have civil unions.
Aim of this response: To get them to shut the fuck up about marriage! I'll get married if and when I want to!

Family friend/Well-wisher: So, when are you going to settle down?
Me [With a puzzled look]: Settle down? Of course I've settled down. I'm no longer living on the streets and eating food out of garbage bins like when I first left home. I no longer have to sell myself for money to get warm clothes. So yeah, I've settled down now in a unit unlike before.
Aim of this response: See previous aim. Stop asking ridiculous questions people!

Family friend/Friend/Well-wisher: So all your friends are getting married. What about you? You don't want to get left behind...
Me: Really? They are all getting married? Let's see...when was the last time I did something they all did. After the 10th, all my friends took up science or commerce; I took up arts. After the 12th, all my friends took up engineering or computers or business studies; I took up psychology. After my undergraduation, all my friends decided to go the US or the UK or continue in India; I came to Australia. Do you see a pattern here?
Aim of this response: To knock some sense into people who think they apparently know me oh-so-well!

Family friend/Well-wisher: You're already 27 year old...if you don't get married now, it'll be too late to have children!
Me [With a surprised look]: Oh! Didn't anyone tell you...I already have a daughter. You don't have to be married to have kids. She's a year and a half and I didn't bring her over because we couldn't get her passport in time. She's with her father. He and I are not together of course but he's still her father...
Aim of the response: Similar to all of the above. To shock people into shutting up!

Friend: So how long have you been working as a psychologist now?
Me: 3 years and some months
Friend: So do you think you could psychoanalyse me? I have all these problems...
Me: Well, you have to undergo years of therapy and unfortunately my psychotherapy skills don't work if I'm not paid...in dollars...
Aim of response: I do not "psychoanalyse" anyone. No one uses psychoanalysis here anymore. Please don't base what I do for work on Hollywood.

Family friend: Hmm...you seem to have become darker than last time you came over.
Me [Excitedly]: Really? You think so? You see, I tried so hard last summer to get a tan and succeeded really well and apart from the parts covered by my bikini I have a stunning tan all over...unfortunately, it's been so cold the last few months, I've been unable to hit the beach...but it's so kind of you to notice my tan! All my white friends think it's fab too!
Aim of response: To show them I don't give a fuck about my skin colour.

Family friend/Friend/Well-wisher: What's the racism in Australia like?
Me: Not even remotely as bad as it is here...because they don't pick on my skin colour, they don't advertise to me that I need fairness creams, they don't tell me I'm too dark to do a certain kind of job, I haven't been told I'm stealing their jobs...
Aim of response: Stop pointing fingers. Check out the racism that exists in India first.

Family Friend/Well-wisher/Friend: So now that you're all Aussie, India is really bad, huh?
Me: Well, no...I still love Indian food and have always complained about the attitudes of some people here and the littering and pollution even when I lived in India. So it's not because I've become Australian that anything has changed. And yes, I've always hated the Indian cricket team since I was 12...it has nothing to do with going to Australia.
Aim of the response: Honesty

I'm sure there will be a zillion variations on the marriage conversations because after all, according to everyone in India, I'm way over the hill . Also, since some people brought that up the last time I visited and the dark skin and the racism bit, I'm expecting the same stuff again.

Has anyone got any more humourous tips for me?

Do share...

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Wordless Wednesday - Devil's Delight

Devil's Delight @ Pancakes on the Rocks - Truly delightful!

First Crush

A covert look

A small smile

An accidental touch

Sending shivers

Down her spine

Sneaking glances

Trying to catch

His wandering eye

Dropping her books

As he passed by

Rambling speech with

Stutters and mumbles

Incoherent thoughts

Running through her mind

When directly

At her he gazed

On her cheeks

A deep red blush

As she conversed

With her first crush

Written for One Single Impression Prompt 169

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Surprise, Surprise

Well, I didn't think I'd be able to post today.

Because, you see, I was so sure the world would have ended yesterday at 1800 hours.

I was worried about not having said good-bye to bloggers all over. I had even gotten over my fear of flying in ten days' time because I figured being a heathen and all, I'd be long gone before flying.

But turns out, the world hasn't ended after all. Who would have thunk it? Crazy religious fanatics getting the end of the world wrong?? No way! Then again, I bet they will now claim they made a deal with Jesus and saved us all. Yeah. 'Coz we need saving you see.  

Anyway, moving on from crazy people, how have you all been?

I've been so busy it's not funny. Going on leave means you seem to have extra work to do. I leave in 9 days and before that I have clients to see, plans to make, reports to complete and shopping to do. All while still working for 8 hours, travelling to and from work for two and going to the gym.

Yes, my life is a blur at the moment.

Meanwhile, I'm also worrying about flying. I know I was worried the last time too but hearing about recent Qantas engine problems doesn't help to quell the anxiety. I'm going to be praying real hard over the next few weeks until I land on hard ground safely both ways. And yes, I know the statistics say that you are more likely to die in a car crash than in a plane crash but still.

So what else is up with all of you out there?

How did you spend the day the world was going to end? [I spent it gymming, working and catching up with my good friend, C]

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Wordless Wednesday - Masterchef

Coriander & Yoghurt Chicken with veggies a la yours truly

Kids in distress

On Friday morning, one of the major routes in Sydney, the Harbour bridge came to a standstill. Thanks to one man.

Basically, this guy Mick scaled the Harbour Bridge and had two signs hanging from it: "Kids first" and "Plz help my kids". It took a couple of hours of shutting the bridge and not permitting any road or rail transport and negotiating with Mick before things returned to normal. Apparently, from what I heard on the radio that morning when he called in, he was making a statement. He apparently was not permitted to see his kids based on family court orders and thought they were in danger with his ex-partner and had been trying different services to intervene for years to no avail. Podcasts here.

Now, I don't know about the truth in terms of his kids being in danger. I did feel sorry for the man and thought he did make a statement if his story is true and if his kids really are in danger. The reason I don't completely disbelieve him is because of what I see at work. Which is what I really want to talk about in this post. Not about Mick and his actions. But rather, when I see not much being done for the kids who are in the custody of a parent (mother or father) who are endangering the child.

I am not a fan of the family court system. Nor the child protection system here at times.

Family court works on the principle that a child is better off with contact with both parents. And while in most cases this may work, there are cases where this is the worst thing you could do to a child. For instance, I have seen children who are forced to visit a parent fortnightly when they are scared of them for various reasons --- physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, threats. I do what I can in my power. Which is to make a report to the child protection authorities.

But do I see change?

Hah.

And then I feel helpless.

Some of these kids actually think I can help them not see the parent they don't want to see. And I have to tell them that I have no power over the courts. Because I really don't. All I can do is make a report. And that too, only to child protection services. That's it. And then I see the disappointment written on their faces. Their faces say to me how the system is failing them. And I agree.

Why make it mandatory for a child to see both parents? A seven year old can tell you if their mum hits them on the head with a pan or broom. A nine year old can tell you if their dad threatens them and harrasses them to provide information about mum. A ten year old can tell you if their mum constantly criticises them about their weight and looks and locks them in the bedroom on weekend visits. A six year old can tell you that dad tells them they shouldn't talk about what happened that weekend but they don't want to go over anymore.

But who listens to them?

Apparently, nobody.

If the other parent, the one the child feels comfortable with, tries to give in to the child's wishes of not seeing the problem parent, then they are the ones in trouble with the courts. So they too have to let their kids down and force them to visit the problem parent.

It's about time family courts gave the kids a voice.

Because these kids have a lot to say. It's not like they are complaining about getting bored at dad's over the weekend or not liking mum's food over the weekend.

It's a lot worse than that in some cases.

If courts don't listen to the kids, or for that matter professionals who work with them, what hope is there?

Kids can continue to feel helpless.

Continue to feel like the system fails them.

And continue to think that people like me who are supposed to help them are part and parcel of that system.

Making us feel helpless.

So yes, if Mick's actions make the Family Court system take into account what kids have to say, then it's worth 2 hours of a traffic standstill in Sydney.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

P.S. I have used 'parent' instead of mum or dad because in my experience, while most of the time custody is given to the mother and dads have been the 'bad guy', there have been instances where the father was given custody and the child has not wanted to visit mum because she is the abusive one. 

Inside rule versus Outside rule

Last week I attended a seminar as part of my continued professional development on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with adolescents. Anyway, one of the things that was talked about was what the speaker called the Inside rule and the Outside rule. [No, it's not about using your inside voice or your outside voice].

Basically with regards to adolescents, she said that they tend to view themselves based on what they feel on the inside [ergo, Inside rule] and they view others based on how people come across on the outside [hence, Outside rule]. Now, this is something I reckon goes beyond just adolescents. It is something I think we all do.

Think about it.

How many times have you thought that people must definitely know when you were depressed or anxious? How many times were you certain that everyone must be aware just how anxious you were when you had to speak in front of a big audience? How many of you think that after a fight with your partner, it must be obvious to everyone around you? And how many think that they are bad parents and therefore everyone else must be aware of it?

Even if you haven't engaged in the Inside rule as much, there is no doubt you have engaged in the Outside rule. I say this with certainty because I do it too.

We see a happy couple and feel envious or jealous that our relationship is not 'perfect'. We see people walking on the street and think about how 'normal' they are. Not a bother in the world. I even see clients present to me and wonder why they are there until they start to talk about their problems. The reason is they seem so well-adjusted. We see our colleagues day in and day out and think no one else has problems like we do --- they all seem so happy.

The Outside rule comes with the fact that most people (including us) wear a mask more often than not. Hence the perception that everyone seems so 'normal'. And everyone is coping so well. And no one else is suffering the way we do.

The fact of the matter is that suffering is a part of life.

Not just your life.

Or just my life.

But all of our lives.

Thinking that we are the only ones suffering and everyone else is 'happy' is what makes the suffering worse. Not accepting the fact that suffering is part of life also makes it harder to deal with.

We cannot choose pain as it happens to everyone. But we can choose how we respond to it. 

Are you going to suffer or take action? 

Are you going to continue viewing yourself based on the Inside Rule?

Are you going to beat yourself up by comparing to others based on the Outside Rule? 

Because the choice that you make can result in the pain and suffering being bearable or unbearable.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Wordless Wednesday - Visitors

Visitors on the balcony

Bridges

I have a fascination with bridges. Actually, strike that. I have a fascination travelling across a bridge over the water. There is something very calming, very soothing about it.

It dates back to my college days in Bombay. When I travelled for over an hour each way to and from college. The way back especially is vivid. I remember standing near the train doors (if I didn't have a window seat) while crossing the bridge just before my stop. I think the bridge symbolised homecoming after a long and tiring day. Somehow, in those 3 to 5 minutes over the bridge, I was transported to a magical place. One that didn't seem anywhere similar to the noisy, polluted and smelly Bombay I had been travelling through for almost an hour.

For about 4 years after coming to Australia, I had no bridges to cross unless it was a visit to Cronulla beach via Alfords Point Bridge or once when I visited a friend in Mosman and therefore travelled across the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

And then I moved.

Almost a couple of years ago (August 2009) to an area in Sydney which I fell in love with the first time I visited. And since then, every day to and from work, I cross a bridge (Not the Sydney Harbour bridge!). The view is breathtaking. I notice how I instantly relax upon reaching the bridge on the way back home. Home is what it signifies. No matter how hard a day I have had, no matter how crazy the traffic has been, no matter how tired I am, my spirits are instantly lifted as I drive across the bridge. I do take in the views as well and thank my stars almost every day for the lovely area I live in. For how fortunate I am. The following are just some of the views I am privileged to see every single day. [Pictures courtesy Google images and links provided to all]

I couldn't find any images with the sun setting but honestly, it's gorgeous. There have been times when I've just wanted to pull over and take photos. Unfortunately though, we can't stop on the bridge! Some day soon, I will take my lazy arse up there to click some pictures of my own.

I do find it funny and interesting at the same time at just how bridges seem to play a big role in my life. They signify connections. To home. Wherever that may be for me at any given stage in my life.

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

The Morning Cuppa...

There's something so refreshing and blissful about having that morning cup of coffee.

Especially on a Sunday morning...

...when the flatmate is still asleep;

...when I have nowhere to rush to;

...when I get to sit and relax on the couch with the steaming cup of coffee in my hands warming me up on a cold morning;

...when I can listen to the birds and the light traffic outside;

...when I can read through blogs and catch up on what I've been missing;

...when I can lose myself in that cup of coffee which energises my brain

Thank God for coffee!

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

Whose responsibility is it?

We are living in a day and age when I reckon we are forgetting about individual responsibility. Once upon a time, it was seen only in some countries but lately I am noticing this lack of taking responsibility a whole lot more. I see it in the news with a common person, I see it with sports persons, I see it at work with clients unwilling to take on responsibility and probably most dangerous of all, I see a system encouraging people to stop taking responsibility for their own actions.

Where am I coming from with all this?

***Let me warn you now --- RANT ALERT***

Well, about a month or two ago I heard about the government here thinking of beginning to fine mates of drink drivers for letting them drive. More recently, on a Sunday night interview show with a disgraced AFL player and his estranged wife, I heard the wife blame the AFL and media saying they needed to take some of the resposibility for his behaviour given that they let him play and continued to idolise him despite his drunken behaviours and stupidity off field. Even more recently, the federal government has decided to provide money to families if children stay on at school as opposed to dropping out.

So again, when you read all of the above, don't you wonder --- what has happened to individual responsibility???

A person who chooses to drink and drive needs to take responsibility. Yes, they are intoxicated. But whose choice was it to get drunk in the first place? And why does someone else have to be penalised if you are an idiot???

The AFL player needs to take responsibility for his actions. [I'm given to understand that he does]. Yes, maybe the AFL idolised him as did the media. But at the end of the day, they do not tell him how to act. If he is going to pee in public like a drunken idiot, it's his responsibility.

While I understand low income families may find it difficult to make ends meet, here in Australia we have a public education system. One that is free. If an adolescent chooses to not go to school, it is their responsibility. They don't need to be bribed to be forced to stay at school. And in any case, there are probably a lot of them who are better off going to work or starting a trade than staying in school with learning problems and the like.

I'm sure you have all heard in the past in the US of people suing coffee companies because they spilled hot coffee over themselves and realised it burns. Or laptop companies for placing laptops on their laps and getting burnt. And this has reached a point of ridiculous proportions where if you buy a bag of peanuts now, it comes with a warning that it "may contain traces of nuts". See here for proof! 

In the work place I have noticed time and again the way in which the system tries to hold everyone responsible for an individual's actions. How? Well, for instance, if a client with mental health commits suicide, a scapegoat is hunted down. However, no one forced an individual to commit suicide? They took responsibility for their own actions however unhelpful they may have been. When parents neglect or abuse their kids to the point of significant harm to the child, everyone looks at what services to blame. But again, aren't the parents responsible for it? Whether they are on drugs or alcohol or just too exhausted to look after several kids, it still doesn't mean they get to shirk off responsibility and everyone tries to justify how things could have been better if there was a "better system in place".

I think it's about time we all start taking resposibility for our own actions. It's different if you are suffering from a psychotic illness. The majority of us do not. And hence, drugs, alcohol, exhaustion, anxiety, depression etc do not absolve us from the consequences our actions may have.

Somewhere along the line it became possible for the individual to blame everyone else for his or her actions.

The fact of the matter is there is no one holding a gun to your head. It is your brain. And your body. You and only you can control it. Despite all the drugs and alcohol.

So start taking responsibility now for what you say and do.

And hopefully, the system realises the same and stops pandering to everyone's needs.

*********

On that cheerful note [I did warn you about a rant!], this is my 450th post on this blog! Thank you to all who continue to read and comment! 

Until next time,

Cheers!!!